Hi blog, I'm back.

It's been awhile. But I've been thinking about journaling/blogging more often and figured, why not now?

This was a big weekend for Sterling and I and I want to share the first steps of our new journey. But before that I can bring you up to speed.

When Sterling and I started dating I was at CMU and he was at MSU. We always used to say that our "long distance" relationship (an hour apart... what I would do to live an HOUR away from him now...) was preparing us for our future. We didn't know what his future held in store for him as far as the army went and I wasn't sure what I was doing with my future... but we were pretty sure that we weren't going to live together for some time.

Then we got married in July of 2010 and got to hang out for a hot minute. We didn't live together before we got married (I was finishing up my masters and he was doing some training) and we only got to live together until May in 2011. We haven't lived together since then. I've been in Lansing the whole time, he's been in Kentucky, Georgia, Tennessee and Afghanistan. Probably other places too... I just forget. It's been over 4 years since I've lived with that guy and man do I miss him.

So you must imagine how excited we are that his last day in the army is in March. Like... a month away. It's so close it almost doesn't seem real. And so to prepare for his transition out of the army, Sterling has been working with a company called Cameron Brooks (hope I spelled that right). This company is awesome. They work with Sterling to figure out what kind of career (NOT JOB) would be best for him once he is out and then they go and recruit several businesses for him to interview for. We actually just got back from his interviewing conference.

This was an experience that we are both so excited and grateful for. Not many people get to go on 15 interviews in one weekend. Also, didn't mention that these companies are good. Like... Fortune 500 good. These are businesses that he can stay and make a career out of. His interviews ranged from medical device sales to management, to selling jet planes. It was awesome. Here's the thing though, we got the list of companies and found that 1 out of 15 of the jobs were located in Michigan. Serious bummer. I am almost done with school... I have one semester left of my PhD then I have 2 years of medical school left that has to be finished in Lansing. *Sigh* the separation thing again.

We decided to not look at location or salary and just have him do the best he can do at the interviews and then we will go from there. Of course he killed it. He always does amazing at things like this. He had several companies ask for follow-up interviews and we chose the top 4. Not based on location or salary but based on what he would do best at and what he would get the most fulfillment from. As hard as it is to not live together, how awful would it be to live a life of regret from not taking this opportunity? There are moments when I want to be selfish and say "no, you have to live in Michigan and just find a job where I am." But if he said that to me... Oh man would I shake my head and z-snap my fingers and say "oh no you did not just say that." We have both worked so hard to be where we are at right now. Would it have been nice to have where we are at right now be in the same geographic location? Sure. We don't want to live apart. He is my best friend. I would love to come home and tell him about my day and make him laugh with all my stupid jokes (he wouldn't laugh because my jokes are funny, but because of how funny I think my own jokes are... I'm hilarious). Neither of us would be satisfied with that though. We are both incredibly supportive to each other but both incredibly ambitious as well. It may not work for you, but this works for us. It's hard, but it's worth it.

I guess I wrote this post not to explain to everyone the transition we are going through right now, but rather to work through this in my own way. It's hard to explain to people why we live the way we do, but maybe this helps. Know that we are both happy, that we love each other a ridiculous amount and that we fully support each other in finding a career that is fulfilling and endures.

Please keep Sterling in your thoughts and prayers as he goes up for his follow-up interviews. This is such an exciting time for us and we are excited to share what happens to him in the very near future!

Late night thoughts on love.

Okay, so I know it's not that late, but it's late for me... So that should count.

Since church yesterday I've been thinking a lot about love. We learned about how Jesus told us to deal with our enemies. With love. Other places in the bible tell us to love our neighbor. I have a tattoo of scripture on my back with Jesus commanding us to love one another as He loved us.

What does this love look like?

Well He tells us that too. Love is patient. Love is kind. It is not envious, boastful, proud, dishonorable, self seeking, easily angered and it does not keep records of wrong. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 

So if we are to be loving and this is how we are to love... Shouldn't it go like this:

I am patient. I am kind. I am not envious, boastful, proud, dishonorable, self seeking, easily angered and I do not keep records of wrong. I do not delight in evil but rejoice with the truth. I always protect, always trust, always hope, always persevere. I never fail. 

Well that couldn't be further from the truth. I fall short of all of these things. I'd like to believe that I am loving, but is know my love doesn't look like this. I can aim for this, and with the help of the Holy Spirit, I can start changing the way I live and love to be more like this, but I will always fall short. Thankfully God loves me despite this. 

God is patient. God is kind. God is not envious, boastful, proud, dishonorable, self seeking, easily angered and it does not keep records of wrong. God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. God never fails. 

My fitness journey

This is a subject that's been on my mind a lot lately and this is my space to release my thoughts. So here goes...

My whole life I've struggled with my physical appearance. There have been times that this has consumed my life and there have been moments where I've accepted my body. I can't say that this is something I've overcome because there are definitely times when I just hate on myself. But really, who doesn't? We live in such a toxic social world that defines beauty in such an unrealistic way. I believe that there are people out there trying to send out more positive messages about loving yourself the way you are, but we have a long way to go. On the other hand, I don't think we should be complacent either. We can always better ourselves (in a healthy way) so why not strive to be the best version of you that you can be?

I titled this post "my fitness journey" because I want to lead into where I'm currently at... we'll get there.

I've never been super athletic. I was a cheerleader in high school (probably not helping the self esteem issues) and I was in colorguard in both high school and college. While these kept me somewhat in shape, I still could barely run a mile or have any real endurance strength. Throughout college I dabbled in lots of different workout routines. I used the elliptical, run or go to workout classes like yoga or kickboxing.  I would always get bored though and I always dreaded working out. It wasn't something I enjoyed and it wasn't something that I did consistently in my life. I would go on crash diets and there were times that I would just not eat at all in an attempt to lose weight and feel better about myself. It's been a struggle. I also dated people who didn't make me feel better about myself and really that probably took the biggest toll on my self esteem.

Then I started dating a man who made me love myself again. I wound up marrying this guy and I'm always so grateful for the loving and supportive relationship we have. He's never made me feel less about myself and at the same time he motivated me to be better and to take action about my physical appearance since it was obviously something I was unhappy about. At first I took up running. I actually enjoy running... but I'm a fair weather runner and as we know in Michigan, fair weather can be hard to come by. After running a half marathon, I wanted to take a break from running, but I didn't know what to do exercise-wise. As I said earlier, I just got bored with the typical gym stuff and I was very unmotivated. About this time, Sterling was becoming more and more involved with crossfit workouts and he encouraged me to join a local box (that's what us cool kids call a crossfit gym...). At first I was hesitant. I didn't know how to do most of the stuff that I saw them doing online when I looked it up and I didn't want to look like a weak, chubby idiot. I finally got the courage to just go and try it out. I can't say I was hooked after the first WOD (workout of the day)... mainly because I couldn't walk for a week afterwards... but I was excited about doing something different and learning some new stuff.

This is the point in the blog where I'm going to talk about my love for crossfit. There is a lot of negative hype out there about crossfit and one of the things I see complained about the most is how much crossfit athletes talk about crossfit. I don't get that. You love your job, you talk about it. You love a sports team, you talk about it. You love a pet, you talk about it. I could go on, but I think you get my point. When you love something you share that with others. And crossfit people really love what they are doing. So I'm going to talk about it, and you can roll your eyes and stop reading... or you can read on and find out why I love it.

So starting off at the box, I knew nothing. I was learning how to do deadlifts and push presses with PVC pipe and the idea of doing burpees was the worst thing in the world for me. But I kept at it. I kept at it because of the people that I work out with. That's what I love about crossfit and that's what I love about my box... the people. Not once have I ever felt bad about not knowing how to do something or being corrected when I do something wrong. I've never felt bad about myself because that guy over there is doing 10 times the amount I can. I've always felt supported and encouraged to do my own personal best. Rarely do I do the workout with the weight that is perscribed, but that doesn't matter... I still get my high-fives at the end of the workout. I get cheered and I get pushed to do my very best... and my very best just keeps getting better. The people and the community are what keep me from giving up and what keeps me motivated and excited about new challenges. I'm lucky enough to have an awesome group of people I work out with at 6am and my day starts awesomely because of them.

I didn't mean to turn this into a crossfit blog, but really this community of people have changed me. Although I have my moments where I still feel bad about myself, crossfit has given me a confidence that is welcome and needed in such a negative world. Working out is no longer a dreaded chore, but rather an fun/challenging lifestyle. And that's what it should be.

So, it's been a minute...

I feel like I always start this blog back up when I need to vent or when I need some kind of release. It's been almost a year since I've blogged and really, not too much has changed, but here are some updates:

School: Well, I finished the first 2 years of medical school. That was a relief. Medical school kind of sucks the life out of you. While not being in classes anymore has been amazing, not being in classes has also been pretty rough. I think I've said before that med school is like high school. You're with the same people, struggling through the same classes, on breaks at the same time, and these are the people that really understand you and get what you're going through. All of these people have moved away. That has been really hard for me this year. I miss my friends and the relationships I had with them.

I'm currently back in the lab and while it's been a good change of pace, it's also slightly overwhelming. Doing research is 100% different than studying for tests in med school. I have to think broader, I have to think critically, I have to problem solve and think outside of the box. I have a lot more responsibility and a lot of work to do that relies solely on me and my mind. It's hard work. The worst part is when I have no motivation to get work done, it really puts me back.

All in all with school, I'm exhausted. I'm ready to be done and I'm in desperate need of a second wind to push through the next few years. Phew... school is blah.

Husband: Sterling got back from Afghanistan at the end of July. It was amazing to have him home again. I didn't really realize what a toll his deployment had taken on me until I felt the relief of him being back. He is currently living in Tennessee and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard. I miss my husband all the time. It sounds cliche but he really is my best friend. It can be hard visiting each other for too long because one of us is always busy and the other is on "vacation." I'd like to be able to say that we will be able to live together soon, but really we are looking at AT LEAST 2 more years of living apart. I'm just ready to have a home with my husband and not be in school. I will never take that for granted.

I've been pretty whiny up until now. So here is some good news...

I'm now living with my brother, my cousin and her boyfriend and it's such a welcome change from feeling alone all the time like in my old house. They are fun and although they can be somewhat annoying (;)) at times, I love them and I am so glad that we will all be living here again next year.

I've started working out more consistently and I belong to a crossfit box which has been a different kind of family/support. I love the people that I work out with and they are constantly trying to push me to be better. I'm just now getting back into the workout groove after being completely gross over the holidays and so I'm not ripped yet... but just wait, I will be! This last weekend I also tried out hot yoga for the first time... um AMAZING. I made a boo-boo and went to an hour and a half long class for my first time which may have been a bit much, but I've felt great since and I'm excited to do it again. I feel like it's really going to help out with my mobility and my core strength which will only help with crossfit.

I'm still a leader in our middle school ministry, Chaos and I love every minute of it. Those girls (and boys) are awesome and I always am learning from them. Being a leader has also really pushed me to become a "better Christian" and really just be more accountable for my knowledge of the bible since I am teaching it to them. It's been something that has really been helping me stay sane through these tough winter months. Winter is always hard for me and this one seems to be harder than normal so I'm thankful for the motivation and companionship that I get from this group.

I think that is all the typing I've got in me right now, plus I need to get some data analyzed before my early bed time...

It feels good to be back to venting on here though.

Community

Lately I've been feeling slightly defeated. I also think the weather has had some influence on my mood (let's be real, how can anyone be awesomely happy when it's super dreary and awful out?). I'll spare you the details, but basically I just feel worn down and... really defeated is the only word I can think of.

Then I got to spend the past weekend with a group of amazing girls. Myself, eleven 12 and 13 year olds, and a high school leader spent the weekend at Timberwolf Lake for a church retreat. At first it was a burden for me to go. I had tickets to go to the annual MOCF ball that was the same weekend and there was an exam the Monday following the retreat. However, I am currently the only female leader in Chaos right now (other than our awesome high school leader, Macy) and so I really needed to make this my priority. Friday evening it was hard to get pumped up because of how darn cold it was, but as a leader it's your job to get the kids excited and to get them hyped for the awesome messages they get to hear. By Friday night, I was already exhausted. We stayed up late giggling about boys, complaining about teachers and parents, and just being goofy. At about 2am when the giggling finally settled and we all were starting to fall asleep, I realized I was right where I needed to be.

Although I have lots of friends at MSUCOM, sometimes I still feel very lonely. Most of my friends there have only met Sterling in passing and very few know much about him, or our relationship. A lot of times I don't want to talk about it because I miss him so much and it's difficult for me to think of how awesome we are together. Spending the weekend with these girls just made me feel so loved. They fought over who was going to stand next to me, they all wanted to be on my bed as we laughed and played "truth or dare." It was just uplifting to see how loved I am by these girls. It was something that I needed at a time when I was feeling defeated and worn down.

Sunday night when we got home, I got that lonely feeling back again. My brother wasn't back from his weekend at home and I had the house to myself. I'm not very good at being alone. Especially since I hadn't talked to Sterling the whole weekend. It was basically just me having a pity party. Thankfully on Monday evening, I got to spend some time with my lifegroup of encouraging ladies who didn't mind when I broke down a bit about the defeatedness I have been feeling. They encouraged me and let me know, once again, that I am loved and supported. It's an awesome feeling to know that.

Community is an awesome thing. We are not islands and we can't always do it alone. Sometimes the community that helps you the most is surprising (...middle school girls?). I am so grateful that in this time of need I have wonderful people surrounding me who can make me feel loved and appreciated for who I am.

This is a rant.

I'm warning you for the second time... this is a rant

This rant is about people believing they deserve the world and then some. This is what our society tells us. I can't count the number of tv commercials that advertise along the lines of "you derserve _____" or "treat yourself to _______ because you earned it."

Am I saying that we shouldn't be rewarded for hard work? No.
Am I saying that people walk around thinking that the world owes them? Yes.

Most recently I am reminded of this behavior at medical school. I apologize if you're one of my classmates and I am describing you, but now you know how I feel about this situation...

MSUCOM does not "owe" us anything but the education that it promised. Yes, we are paying (ahem... you are paying) lot's of money for this education. Does this mean that the professors need to spoon feed us? Does this mean that we shouldn't have two exams on one day? Does this mean that we shouldn't have MANDATORY classes? Especially during the summer!

STOP COMPLAINING. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Med school is hard. Duh.
Yeah, medical school is hard. What were you expecting? It's hard so that it weeds out those people who are not fit to be doctors. I'm sorry if you think that MSUCOM should make things easier on us, but I don't think that. You are not owed this. You earn this.

I truly feel like medical school is a blessing. I'm not going to lie and say I never complain about it... but most of my complaints have to do with not wanting to study, not that I feel like my school is taking advantage of me in anyway. We get the chance to learn and do things that most people don't get to do. We get the chance to have an awesome career that is probably always going to be in demand. You have to work for this. You don't deserve it.

This is my rant. And now I'm done.

Eternal Perspective

I've mentioned before how even though I don't have time to spare, in my spare time I volunteer with a group from my church called Chaos. Chaos is aptly named because it is a group of middle school, or more specifically 7th and 8th grade boys and girls. I am the lifegroup leader of the 8th grade girls and I am continuously learning from them.

I don't know about you, but remembering my middle school years makes me want to cringe. How awkward was that time of life? I remember one time I wore overalls (they were cool... especially with one strap not buckled) and some person came up behind me and gave me this super wedgie. I mean, it's super funny now to think about, but at the time I was so embarrassed! But I feel like that was middle school. Embarrassing.

Now-a-days though, my girls have it rough. I feel like they talk about big life issues that I never would have faced when I was their age. Technology has definitely had a hand in it. It's sometimes hard for me to relate to them, but I just love on them as much as I can because some of them don't see that at school or home as much as they should.

I thought about stepping down this semester since I have so much school to worry about. 23+ credits, electives, board exams coming up, seminars, etc... But I am so glad that I didn't. As I said, I learn so much from these girls and this ministry that to give it up would cause me more stress right now I think. Even though it's chaotic, it's calming.

Lately I haven't been sleeping. I have been tired all day and lacking motivation. Yesterday was one of those days. I had barely studied all day and I just felt no motivation to get anything done. Days like this are detrimental during school because you get so behind. Currently I have about 8 lectures to catch up on and a lot of studying to do. I also have been lacking motivation to work out and all that extra eating I did during the holidays really caught up. So I put on my "fat jeans" (girls, you know what I'm talking about) which now fit just fine, and headed to Chaos last night feeling very defeated. I hadn't studied and I gained weight. Woe is me, let's have a pity party.

In Chaos, we're teaching the kids about the book of Phillipians which is quickly becoming one of my favorite books. In our lifegroups, we were discussing the eternal perspective that Paul has while he's writing this letter... I mean, the guy is in jail and is still super encouraging, loving, and motivated to share his love with his friends in Phillipi. I asked the girls what they thought eternal perspective means, or what it meant to them. They said it beautifully (paraphrasing): Don't worry about this world, it's not where we belong.

Gosh I love those girls for how smart they are.

Don't worry about this world. It is NOT where you belong. What does that even mean (I asked them)? And they replied with typical middle school things "When your parents tick you off...", "When you don't get to do what you want...", "When school is hard..." "...DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!"

I know I totally did the punctuation wrong up there... not worried about it.

Anyway, I've been so stressed lately. About school, time, sleeping (especially sleeping), and most of the time I worry about my husband as well. I'm pretty good at keeping that worry under control, but when it all adds up, especially with a lack of sleep, I kind of lose it. I feel like being reminded to not worry about this world because this is not where I belong, is a message I needed to hear. I'm not of this world because I am with Christ. I am destined for Heaven and nothing I do here on earth will change that. That's a pretty awesome truth that I often forget, but is so relieving when I remember it.

This isn't to say that I'm going to stop worrying about all the things I've listed above. But hopefully when I do start to worry, I can find peace in knowing I'm not of this world and instead of getting discouraged, be encouraged to move on and deal with whatever is in front of me.