This may be an awkward thing to say... but I'm just gonna come straight out and say it.
I miss being touched. I miss being held. I all in all just miss physical contact.
I don't really have people that just hug me. So on a day to day basis, I am rarely touched. And that may be normal for you, but when you get used to it and then it goes away, you start to miss it quite a lot. I need more hugs in my life.
With that said, Sterling is coming up in little over a week for a long weekend. I'm sure we'll be doing plenty of "touching" while he's here ;)
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
Back on track (ish)
As a follow up to my last post, I just wanted to thank all of you for your love and your prayers.
Things are looking up. I spent my last week working really hard to keep on top of things AND get into the lab. It wasn't easy, I mean a full load of med school credits and 3-4 hours in the lab a day really made me get my act together.
But I got a 92% on my exam today, so I am sure that it paid off.
I still miss Sterling, more than words can describe, but keeping busy is making time go faster and that is what I need more than anything.
And even though school has kept me busy, I made time last week to do things that I enjoy, such as hang out with friends, go to football games, watch Sex and the City, and crochet. Amazing.
So all in all, life is better and I am grateful for your part in that :)
Things are looking up. I spent my last week working really hard to keep on top of things AND get into the lab. It wasn't easy, I mean a full load of med school credits and 3-4 hours in the lab a day really made me get my act together.
But I got a 92% on my exam today, so I am sure that it paid off.
I still miss Sterling, more than words can describe, but keeping busy is making time go faster and that is what I need more than anything.
And even though school has kept me busy, I made time last week to do things that I enjoy, such as hang out with friends, go to football games, watch Sex and the City, and crochet. Amazing.
So all in all, life is better and I am grateful for your part in that :)
Monday, September 5, 2011
If it was easy, everyone would do it.
This last week has been a trying week.
First of all, I'm back to classes and I am taking a lot of basic sciences. I am trying not to be over confident (I mean, I've got a pretty good background in science...) and stay up to date with the material. Here's the thing about medical school, the content is not hard, it is the massive amount of work expected of you.
I'm also trying to stay connected with my research lab. I did a very poor job of that over the summer and I need to actually do some work this semester. It's hard balancing two different lives: medical student and graduate student.
Oh, and then there is that third life: Army wife. I think that is the hardest one to balance.
At first, Sterling being gone wasn't that bad. I mean, I've kept busy and it's made time fly. Then he visited and I had to say goodbye, again. That's the hard part, saying goodbye over and over again. I have days that fly by so quickly that it doesn't seem like he's gone. But then there are days, like this week, where I can't stop thinking about him. It sounds slightly pathetic, but I miss my husband. I miss my husband so much that it makes me nauseous. The thing is, I don't get to see him again until December, so there isn't much I can do about the aching. Then on the first of January he starts Ranger school. Guess who doesn't get to have a cell phone during ranger school? Guess who is in ranger school for AT LEAST 3 months? That's a long time to not talk to your husband.
I'm dreading it. I know that I have the rest of September, October, November and December until it happens, but it haunts my thoughts and keeps me up at night.
And I can't focus. I'm working on two doctorate degrees and I can't focus. I can't stop thinking about the 3 months of no communication with my husband, I can't stop thinking of the future deployment(s) where he'll be gone for 6-9 months, I can't stop thinking that I will not get to live with my husband again for another 6 years.
6 years. 6 freaking years.
It's hard to make friends in medical school. Everyone is too busy studying. I mean, I have friends, but not friends that I feel comfortable breaking down and explaining this gut wrenching dread I am dealing with right now. I'm too busy studying to see my best friends from undergrad, who sadly I am growing apart from. Here's the other thing... unless you're in medical school, you don't really get the commitment. And unless you have a husband in the armed forces who is gone, you don't really get the commitment. You can sympathize all you want, but you don't get it.
I feel like the only one I have is 6 years away.
In the past, I would have let this overwhelming sadness take over me and sink into some sort of depression... I'm too busy for that now. And I'm too dedicated. I will finish my DO/PhD program and my marriage will survive this struggle.
God loves me and would not make me suffer without reason.
So I am asking those of you out in blog world to do me a favor and pray for me to stay strong during these trying times. I know I am just fingertips away from slipping into a bad place and it scares me. I'm really sorry about the sad "woe is me" blog post, but I miss having people who know me around and know what's going on in my life.
First of all, I'm back to classes and I am taking a lot of basic sciences. I am trying not to be over confident (I mean, I've got a pretty good background in science...) and stay up to date with the material. Here's the thing about medical school, the content is not hard, it is the massive amount of work expected of you.
I'm also trying to stay connected with my research lab. I did a very poor job of that over the summer and I need to actually do some work this semester. It's hard balancing two different lives: medical student and graduate student.
Oh, and then there is that third life: Army wife. I think that is the hardest one to balance.
At first, Sterling being gone wasn't that bad. I mean, I've kept busy and it's made time fly. Then he visited and I had to say goodbye, again. That's the hard part, saying goodbye over and over again. I have days that fly by so quickly that it doesn't seem like he's gone. But then there are days, like this week, where I can't stop thinking about him. It sounds slightly pathetic, but I miss my husband. I miss my husband so much that it makes me nauseous. The thing is, I don't get to see him again until December, so there isn't much I can do about the aching. Then on the first of January he starts Ranger school. Guess who doesn't get to have a cell phone during ranger school? Guess who is in ranger school for AT LEAST 3 months? That's a long time to not talk to your husband.
I'm dreading it. I know that I have the rest of September, October, November and December until it happens, but it haunts my thoughts and keeps me up at night.
And I can't focus. I'm working on two doctorate degrees and I can't focus. I can't stop thinking about the 3 months of no communication with my husband, I can't stop thinking of the future deployment(s) where he'll be gone for 6-9 months, I can't stop thinking that I will not get to live with my husband again for another 6 years.
6 years. 6 freaking years.
It's hard to make friends in medical school. Everyone is too busy studying. I mean, I have friends, but not friends that I feel comfortable breaking down and explaining this gut wrenching dread I am dealing with right now. I'm too busy studying to see my best friends from undergrad, who sadly I am growing apart from. Here's the other thing... unless you're in medical school, you don't really get the commitment. And unless you have a husband in the armed forces who is gone, you don't really get the commitment. You can sympathize all you want, but you don't get it.
I feel like the only one I have is 6 years away.
In the past, I would have let this overwhelming sadness take over me and sink into some sort of depression... I'm too busy for that now. And I'm too dedicated. I will finish my DO/PhD program and my marriage will survive this struggle.
God loves me and would not make me suffer without reason.
So I am asking those of you out in blog world to do me a favor and pray for me to stay strong during these trying times. I know I am just fingertips away from slipping into a bad place and it scares me. I'm really sorry about the sad "woe is me" blog post, but I miss having people who know me around and know what's going on in my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)