Lately I've been feeling slightly defeated. I also think the weather has had some influence on my mood (let's be real, how can anyone be awesomely happy when it's super dreary and awful out?). I'll spare you the details, but basically I just feel worn down and... really defeated is the only word I can think of.
Then I got to spend the past weekend with a group of amazing girls. Myself, eleven 12 and 13 year olds, and a high school leader spent the weekend at Timberwolf Lake for a church retreat. At first it was a burden for me to go. I had tickets to go to the annual MOCF ball that was the same weekend and there was an exam the Monday following the retreat. However, I am currently the only female leader in Chaos right now (other than our awesome high school leader, Macy) and so I really needed to make this my priority. Friday evening it was hard to get pumped up because of how darn cold it was, but as a leader it's your job to get the kids excited and to get them hyped for the awesome messages they get to hear. By Friday night, I was already exhausted. We stayed up late giggling about boys, complaining about teachers and parents, and just being goofy. At about 2am when the giggling finally settled and we all were starting to fall asleep, I realized I was right where I needed to be.
Although I have lots of friends at MSUCOM, sometimes I still feel very lonely. Most of my friends there have only met Sterling in passing and very few know much about him, or our relationship. A lot of times I don't want to talk about it because I miss him so much and it's difficult for me to think of how awesome we are together. Spending the weekend with these girls just made me feel so loved. They fought over who was going to stand next to me, they all wanted to be on my bed as we laughed and played "truth or dare." It was just uplifting to see how loved I am by these girls. It was something that I needed at a time when I was feeling defeated and worn down.
Sunday night when we got home, I got that lonely feeling back again. My brother wasn't back from his weekend at home and I had the house to myself. I'm not very good at being alone. Especially since I hadn't talked to Sterling the whole weekend. It was basically just me having a pity party. Thankfully on Monday evening, I got to spend some time with my lifegroup of encouraging ladies who didn't mind when I broke down a bit about the defeatedness I have been feeling. They encouraged me and let me know, once again, that I am loved and supported. It's an awesome feeling to know that.
Community is an awesome thing. We are not islands and we can't always do it alone. Sometimes the community that helps you the most is surprising (...middle school girls?). I am so grateful that in this time of need I have wonderful people surrounding me who can make me feel loved and appreciated for who I am.
