Late night thoughts on love.

Okay, so I know it's not that late, but it's late for me... So that should count.

Since church yesterday I've been thinking a lot about love. We learned about how Jesus told us to deal with our enemies. With love. Other places in the bible tell us to love our neighbor. I have a tattoo of scripture on my back with Jesus commanding us to love one another as He loved us.

What does this love look like?

Well He tells us that too. Love is patient. Love is kind. It is not envious, boastful, proud, dishonorable, self seeking, easily angered and it does not keep records of wrong. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 

So if we are to be loving and this is how we are to love... Shouldn't it go like this:

I am patient. I am kind. I am not envious, boastful, proud, dishonorable, self seeking, easily angered and I do not keep records of wrong. I do not delight in evil but rejoice with the truth. I always protect, always trust, always hope, always persevere. I never fail. 

Well that couldn't be further from the truth. I fall short of all of these things. I'd like to believe that I am loving, but is know my love doesn't look like this. I can aim for this, and with the help of the Holy Spirit, I can start changing the way I live and love to be more like this, but I will always fall short. Thankfully God loves me despite this. 

God is patient. God is kind. God is not envious, boastful, proud, dishonorable, self seeking, easily angered and it does not keep records of wrong. God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. God never fails. 

My fitness journey

This is a subject that's been on my mind a lot lately and this is my space to release my thoughts. So here goes...

My whole life I've struggled with my physical appearance. There have been times that this has consumed my life and there have been moments where I've accepted my body. I can't say that this is something I've overcome because there are definitely times when I just hate on myself. But really, who doesn't? We live in such a toxic social world that defines beauty in such an unrealistic way. I believe that there are people out there trying to send out more positive messages about loving yourself the way you are, but we have a long way to go. On the other hand, I don't think we should be complacent either. We can always better ourselves (in a healthy way) so why not strive to be the best version of you that you can be?

I titled this post "my fitness journey" because I want to lead into where I'm currently at... we'll get there.

I've never been super athletic. I was a cheerleader in high school (probably not helping the self esteem issues) and I was in colorguard in both high school and college. While these kept me somewhat in shape, I still could barely run a mile or have any real endurance strength. Throughout college I dabbled in lots of different workout routines. I used the elliptical, run or go to workout classes like yoga or kickboxing.  I would always get bored though and I always dreaded working out. It wasn't something I enjoyed and it wasn't something that I did consistently in my life. I would go on crash diets and there were times that I would just not eat at all in an attempt to lose weight and feel better about myself. It's been a struggle. I also dated people who didn't make me feel better about myself and really that probably took the biggest toll on my self esteem.

Then I started dating a man who made me love myself again. I wound up marrying this guy and I'm always so grateful for the loving and supportive relationship we have. He's never made me feel less about myself and at the same time he motivated me to be better and to take action about my physical appearance since it was obviously something I was unhappy about. At first I took up running. I actually enjoy running... but I'm a fair weather runner and as we know in Michigan, fair weather can be hard to come by. After running a half marathon, I wanted to take a break from running, but I didn't know what to do exercise-wise. As I said earlier, I just got bored with the typical gym stuff and I was very unmotivated. About this time, Sterling was becoming more and more involved with crossfit workouts and he encouraged me to join a local box (that's what us cool kids call a crossfit gym...). At first I was hesitant. I didn't know how to do most of the stuff that I saw them doing online when I looked it up and I didn't want to look like a weak, chubby idiot. I finally got the courage to just go and try it out. I can't say I was hooked after the first WOD (workout of the day)... mainly because I couldn't walk for a week afterwards... but I was excited about doing something different and learning some new stuff.

This is the point in the blog where I'm going to talk about my love for crossfit. There is a lot of negative hype out there about crossfit and one of the things I see complained about the most is how much crossfit athletes talk about crossfit. I don't get that. You love your job, you talk about it. You love a sports team, you talk about it. You love a pet, you talk about it. I could go on, but I think you get my point. When you love something you share that with others. And crossfit people really love what they are doing. So I'm going to talk about it, and you can roll your eyes and stop reading... or you can read on and find out why I love it.

So starting off at the box, I knew nothing. I was learning how to do deadlifts and push presses with PVC pipe and the idea of doing burpees was the worst thing in the world for me. But I kept at it. I kept at it because of the people that I work out with. That's what I love about crossfit and that's what I love about my box... the people. Not once have I ever felt bad about not knowing how to do something or being corrected when I do something wrong. I've never felt bad about myself because that guy over there is doing 10 times the amount I can. I've always felt supported and encouraged to do my own personal best. Rarely do I do the workout with the weight that is perscribed, but that doesn't matter... I still get my high-fives at the end of the workout. I get cheered and I get pushed to do my very best... and my very best just keeps getting better. The people and the community are what keep me from giving up and what keeps me motivated and excited about new challenges. I'm lucky enough to have an awesome group of people I work out with at 6am and my day starts awesomely because of them.

I didn't mean to turn this into a crossfit blog, but really this community of people have changed me. Although I have my moments where I still feel bad about myself, crossfit has given me a confidence that is welcome and needed in such a negative world. Working out is no longer a dreaded chore, but rather an fun/challenging lifestyle. And that's what it should be.

So, it's been a minute...

I feel like I always start this blog back up when I need to vent or when I need some kind of release. It's been almost a year since I've blogged and really, not too much has changed, but here are some updates:

School: Well, I finished the first 2 years of medical school. That was a relief. Medical school kind of sucks the life out of you. While not being in classes anymore has been amazing, not being in classes has also been pretty rough. I think I've said before that med school is like high school. You're with the same people, struggling through the same classes, on breaks at the same time, and these are the people that really understand you and get what you're going through. All of these people have moved away. That has been really hard for me this year. I miss my friends and the relationships I had with them.

I'm currently back in the lab and while it's been a good change of pace, it's also slightly overwhelming. Doing research is 100% different than studying for tests in med school. I have to think broader, I have to think critically, I have to problem solve and think outside of the box. I have a lot more responsibility and a lot of work to do that relies solely on me and my mind. It's hard work. The worst part is when I have no motivation to get work done, it really puts me back.

All in all with school, I'm exhausted. I'm ready to be done and I'm in desperate need of a second wind to push through the next few years. Phew... school is blah.

Husband: Sterling got back from Afghanistan at the end of July. It was amazing to have him home again. I didn't really realize what a toll his deployment had taken on me until I felt the relief of him being back. He is currently living in Tennessee and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard. I miss my husband all the time. It sounds cliche but he really is my best friend. It can be hard visiting each other for too long because one of us is always busy and the other is on "vacation." I'd like to be able to say that we will be able to live together soon, but really we are looking at AT LEAST 2 more years of living apart. I'm just ready to have a home with my husband and not be in school. I will never take that for granted.

I've been pretty whiny up until now. So here is some good news...

I'm now living with my brother, my cousin and her boyfriend and it's such a welcome change from feeling alone all the time like in my old house. They are fun and although they can be somewhat annoying (;)) at times, I love them and I am so glad that we will all be living here again next year.

I've started working out more consistently and I belong to a crossfit box which has been a different kind of family/support. I love the people that I work out with and they are constantly trying to push me to be better. I'm just now getting back into the workout groove after being completely gross over the holidays and so I'm not ripped yet... but just wait, I will be! This last weekend I also tried out hot yoga for the first time... um AMAZING. I made a boo-boo and went to an hour and a half long class for my first time which may have been a bit much, but I've felt great since and I'm excited to do it again. I feel like it's really going to help out with my mobility and my core strength which will only help with crossfit.

I'm still a leader in our middle school ministry, Chaos and I love every minute of it. Those girls (and boys) are awesome and I always am learning from them. Being a leader has also really pushed me to become a "better Christian" and really just be more accountable for my knowledge of the bible since I am teaching it to them. It's been something that has really been helping me stay sane through these tough winter months. Winter is always hard for me and this one seems to be harder than normal so I'm thankful for the motivation and companionship that I get from this group.

I think that is all the typing I've got in me right now, plus I need to get some data analyzed before my early bed time...

It feels good to be back to venting on here though.